MST: Matters Of The Heart

In a small apartment somewhere deep in Tokyo-3, a young teen is complaining bitterly…
Asuka: Misato! You can’t do this to me!
Misato: Reading in English will be good for you. Besides, this is Commander Ikari’s idea, not mine.
Rei: I chose the story.
Shinji: We could give it a go…
Asuka: I HATE group therapy/bonding/whatever the hell they’re calling it today.
Misato: The sooner we start, the sooner we can leave.

Matters of the Heart

Asuka: Uh-uh. No way. Not a stupid romance.


Asuka: Yep, ‘bye’ is just what I’m about to say…

Lana Emerald

Cody sat back and flipped his lucky silver coin in the air. He watched it lazily as it plummeted to his left hand.

Asuka (Cody): Ohmigosh! Gravity!

He caught it deftly. He didn't even look at it as he flipped it again...and again...and again.

Shinji: Ummm… can’t everyone throw and catch a coin?

He sighed, and put his lucky silver coin away.

Misato: Oh, well, a LUCKY coin… I guess that makes a HELL of a difference…

He leaned back even further, and put his muscular legs up on the other end of his black leather couch.

Asuka: … then his mother came in and gave him SUCH a scolding for putting his shoes on the furniture.

He looked at the clock.

Shinji: Digital or analog?
Asuka: Who cares?

Midnight. Has it been so long?

Misato: Unless the clock is broken, then yes.

He crossed his arms over his broad chest, and closed his eyes. 'I'm not going to think about her...NO! I'm not even going to breathe her name!' He thought. But another voice bellowed above his own. The inner voice we all despise...

Rei: The conscience?
Shinji: The heart?
Misato: No, dummies, he’s been drinking!
Asuka: Well, you’d know…

'You can't deny the way you feel!'

'Yes I can. It's easy.'

Asuka: If it’s easy, why is he arguing with himself?

'You know that's not true.'

'Of course it is. I can take her or leave her.'

'She's poisoned you. You are intoxicated by her in every way. You are a fool.'

Misato: I’ll go with that.

'No woman can control me!'

Asuka: Oh, don’t be silly. Maybe we just don’t want you yet.

'But she does. You bend to her every whim. If she asked you to cut out your

Asuka: Please say tongue…


Asuka: Damn.

you'd gladly do it. Pain is nothing. And you know what she would do?'

'I don't care!'

'Oh, but you do...she'd throw it on the floor and stomp her muddy boot heel into it. Because she doesn't like you. How couldshe even-'


'Stop what, Cody? You know the truth. You don't even have to hear it.'

Misato: Yeah, the voice in his head is plenty loud enough.

'There is nothing else to say on the matter.' The voice paused. Cody sighed, relieved that it had stopped. There was a long silence. Cody opened his eyes, and looked at the clock. Two minutes past the hour. The voice whispered...'Go to her...find her...' Cody jumped like a bolt of lightning hit him.

Shinji: If this voice has been talking before, why is he so frightened NOW?

"I can't! Don't you get it?" Cody shouted into the still of his room. He looked about. "Man! Damn it! I need a drink..."

Misato: A man after my own heart! Maybe if he ever gets over this stupid addiction to ‘her’ we could be drinking partners!


Shinji: Stars! Can I make a wish?
Asuka: Geeze Shinji, you are SAD…

Lana finished her last song, and the crowd at The Diamond Roost cheered wildly. Riled up boys and men hooted and whistled, while women clapped politely. Lana took her bows,

Asuka: …and started shooting arrows at everyone! MWHAHAHAA!

and the lights dimmed to black. She took her exit out to stage left, and headed for her dressing room up the stairs.

"Hey, beautiful!" Lana turned around, halfway up the stairs to face her emcee, Mike Beakly.

"Hey, Mikey! How was I tonight?"


Misato: Oh, they all say that…

But enough of this small talk. Want to go out after you freshen up?"

"Um...who's all going?"

"Just you and me, silly."

Misato: I COULD say something here, but since you three are underage…

"Sorry, Mikey...But I have to feed my cat." He looked down and laughed shortly.

"Sure. I can take a hint."

Asuka (Mikey): Is the cat free after that?

"Sorry, darling."

"Yeah. See you around." Lana waved to him, and turned back up the stairs. She reached her door, and turned the key.

Shinji: …then she decided that putting the key in the lock might help.

She flipped the light on, and threw her gloves on her fainting couch. "Alone at last!"

Misato (Lana): Thank goodness Mikey got that cat out of my way.

Lana kicked off her shoes, and began to wriggle out of her silk gown.

Asuka (Lana): You put your right foot in, you take your right foot out…

She robed herself, and plopped down on her favorite chair. She pulled out her nearby purse, and picked a cigarette. " Ahhh...nicotine. My dear, sweet friend."

Shinji: Well, that settles the age-old question about if ducks can smell or not.
*Rei coughs and fans away smoke*

She leaned back and closed her eyes. The guilt began to take over.

Asuka (Lana): I’m going to use tax-payers money to pay for my lung cancer…

Lana Emerald and guilt? Nawww.

Misato (Cleetus): Ain’t nur such thang as lung canser…

Can't be. But it happened.

Rei: A miracle?
Asuka: Wonder Girl spoke! Was it everything you hoped for?

'Why didn't I go out with Mike?

Misato: Trust me girlfriend, when they ask for your cat, it’s a bad thing.

He's handsome a Mafia boss kind of way. And he was nice,' she thought. 'I must seem like a real bitch.

Asuka: Yeah, that was the impression I was getting….

Everyone knows that "I have to feed my cat" line is my infamous way of getting out of a date.

Misato: You know you’re stuck up when you say that you’re ‘infamous’.

I haven't dated in months. Ever since I joined the Brotherhood. But we are allowed to date...wait.

Shinji: A rhyme! How sublime!

There was that drink and dancing with Ender McMallard two weeks ago.'

Lana smiled. He was handsome...oh hell...gorgeous. And he was definitely a fascinating bird. She had made a fool of herself over him. But who cares? 'I may just be a flirty friend to him, but I win every man I want. I may not have him now. He may be attached to Leila, but he'll belong to me.' Obsessive? No. Not Lana Emerald.

Rei: Of course not. How… silly.

Lana opened her eyes and lit her cigarette. She took her first puff. She absently glanced over to her dressing table, and noticed an enormous bouquet of flowers in a crystal vase.

Misato (Lana): I don’t remember having a garden!

There was a note attached.

"It must be from a certain red head I know!

*Misato, Shinji and Rei all look at Asuka*
Asuka: Hey! She’s not my type!


Asuka: *smugly* There, see?

I knew you couldn't stay away for long." She hopped up off the chair, holding her cigarette far from her body and the table.

Shinji (Lana): Ewww, cigarette, gross-out!

She sniffed the flowers, and closed her eyes.

Misato:.. really upset because she couldn’t smell ‘em.

They were beautiful. The vase was expensive, and ornate. She inhaled her cigarette again, and blew out the smoke. She set the lit cigarette down, and

Shinji: Started a fire?
Asuka: That killed her and the dumb vase?
Misato: And set off a nuclear bomb?
Rei: Causing mankind to end?

opened the card that lay tilted against the vase.

Shinji: Ours was better. Except we should have put Godzilla in there somewhere…
Asuka: Shinji baka…

The outside of the heavy envelope was decorated with spidery calligraphy: "For Lana."

Misato (Sherlock Holmes): Note that Watson: not antsy calligraphy, not grasshoppery calligraphy, but spidery.

She opened it, and pulled out the card inside. She read it:

My dearest Lana. I can't stop thinking about you and that time in Sin City.

Asuka: Oh, THAT time…
Misato: All us readers instantly know what ‘that time’ refers to.
Shinji: I don’t…

The time we first met and shared our real dreams together.

Rei: People have false dreams? How strange.
Asuka: Look who’s talking.

We discovered how much we had in common, and how much we meant to each other...

Lana stopped. Ender? She continued.

...I am by you everyday, and everyday I feel like my insides are pulling me apart.

Shinji: Eh…. been there, done that….

To be near you, to know you, to be so close to paradise, but so far. I know now that I'll never be closer to you than I am now. I have my regrets. I'll never reach you. But I don't regret ever knowing you. As I said. I can see you everyday. But everyday I die. I can't help the way I feel. I'm sorry.

*Asuka and Shinji refuse to look at each other. Misato smirks.*

Lana stopped again. She couldn't bear to read the signature. She folded the card, and put it back in the envelope. She knew who it was from.

Asuka: A spider. The bastard.


Elaine shut her bedroom door and headed down to the practice room. She knew it was late. But she couldn't sleep, and she didn't want to socialize with the teens in the Green Room.

Misato: Now, if they’d been in the PINK Room it would have been different.

She was always miserable when they laughed and joked.

Asuka (Elaine): How dare they be happy!

They never included her.

Misato: Honey, if you like gloom and doom, no wonder!

She was tiny, shy, and miles away from them in common. She was not your typical youth. She read all the time, she daydreamed, she wrote poetry and stumbled over conversations.

Asuka: Rei, I didn’t know you were in this story…

She didn't talk about boys, or make-up, or kissing or hit teen idols. In a way, she was a rebel. Well, in a quiet, harmless way.

Misato: You gotta watch those harmless rebels. Who knows how many butterflies they might injure?

But that didn't stop her from feeling. She knew. She knew that she couldn't ignore what she was feeling every time the loud blonde boy who joked more than he was serious was around her. She really adored him. He was popular, he was athletic, he was cute. She welled up with joy every time he teased her or pulled her hair.

Misato (Elaine): Yes, abuse me again!
Asuka: *singing* Hit me baby one more time…

He was all wrong for her. But she didn't care. She had more than a crush on Nosedive. She was overdoing it, and falling in love. But, she would never express it. She didn't know why, maybe because he paid her attention.

Shinji: That makes no sense. But that hasn’t really slowed this story before…

Elaine turned down another corner,

Asuka (Elaine): Persistent corners! When will they figure out that I love Nosedive? Why don’t they get a life, like I have?

and reached the elevators. She stopped at the first one, and thought to where she should go.

Rei: I thought the Lair had stairs.
Asuka: You’ve read more of these stories? FAN GIRL!

She was going to the practice room, but, maybe, just maybe, she could be bold. Elaine decided to go to the Green Room.

Misato (Elaine): Besides, it’s always so lonely in the Pink Room, just me and the teddy bears…


Cody downed the tequila quickly. He had five shots, and wasn't drunk yet.

Shinji (Cody): But, boy, no way am I getting tetanus now!

It didn't help. He had stopped shaking, but he still felt queasy.

Asuka: He should have gotten the measles vaccine then.

Not from the alcohol, but from his inner voice...It wouldn't go away.

Misato: Got it! The little voice is an ANGEL!
Rei: They’re banned from this universe.
Shinji: What about you, then?
Asuka: Rei’s contraband!

'Go find Lana...'

Misato: Sit. Stay. Play dead. Find Lana. Fetch the stick.

'I can't! I don't even know where she is tonight, anyway.'

'You do. She broadcasts her nights at The Diamond Roost every time she goes there.'

Asuka: Over the radio? Now THAT’S bragging….


'You are pathetic, Cody. She's there and you're here.'

Shinji: Next week we work on the concept of ‘near’ and ‘far’.

'She doesn't want me.'

Misato (Cody): She just wants me to cat-sit.

'That never stopped you before.'

Asuka (Cody): But I’m allergic to the fur!

'It's different. I've pleaded my last effort towards her. After tonight, I'll know if she really wants me, or if she never did.'

'Then you've given up.' Cody closed his eyes. The voice was persistent. 'You just gave up, like that?'

'I can't take the pain anymore.'

'You know she only does this to you because she is a heartless woman. She sleeps with anything remotely interested, yet, she ignores you or abuses you.'

Misato: Has this guy considered that maybe he’s ugly as sin?
Rei: Perhaps he has a nice personality.
Asuka: So?

'That's enough.'

'You know the truth, why fight it?'

Rei: Fighting the truth will not make it a lie.
Asuka: Here’s an idea for a celebrity death match. Rei vs Grin. First one to run out of stupid reflective things to say gets hit by a car.


'The woman is a whore. You've given up on a whore.'

"I said that's enough!!!" Cody threw his bottle of tequila against the wall,

Misato: Ah, okay, it’s not an angel, it’s a wall that’s talking to him.

and it shattered,

Shinji: That’s one fragile wall.

splashing the remaining liquid all over the walls and floor. Glass sprinkled the room. He had shouted loud enough to wake anyone next door to him. He heard banging on the far wall next to him.

"Keep it down you two! I'm trying to sleep!"

Asuka (Cody): Don’t worry, that wall ain’t going anywhere…

"Sorry Stormwing!" Jedar thought someone else was in with Cody...

Misato: No, really?

Cody leaned against the wall, and slid to the floor. He held his head in his hands. "I'm going's as simple as that. I've gone off the deep end."

The voice came back.

Shinji: Whoa…. the wall is unstoppable!

'She's a whore, and you still want her.'

'Go away.'

'You figure, every other man has had a go at her, why not me?'

Misato: Typical male.

'It's not like that...please. Leave me.'

Asuka: I bet the wall was there first. Why doesn’t HE move?

'Admit it! Under all the jokes, the flirtations, the amorous foolery, it boils down to that. Love first, but physical love at a tight second.'

'Stop it. I don't want to think about it.'

'If she came to you tonight...'

'I'd know if she really cared. That she was mine at last.'


'It won't happen. My last attempt is a folly.'

The voice finally went silent.

Asuka: Awww… I was beginning to like that wall.


Shinji: Why three? That’s all I want to know. Why three???

Lana walked on the rain laden streets, black with no light and dinged from Sin City pollution. She approached a corner, and looked about.

Asuka (Lana): No one’s looking… Hey, corner, leave Elaine alone or I’ll straighten out your act…
Shinji: That was baaaaaaaaaaaad.
Asuka: No, you and your star comments are bad. That was just old.

No cars at this time of night. Everyone was either sleeping or crying into their beer at this hour. She crossed the street and headed for the parking lot across from The Roost. She pushed the remote key chain

Shinji: Hey, what did the key chain ever do to you?

and her car unlocked. As she drove away, she couldn't stop thinking of Michele Du BluLune.

Rei: Who is that?
Misato: Watch, I’ll bet that’s what comes next…

It had been almost ten years since that first night that they met. And still...Still she remembered how it was. He was romantic, debonair, handsome, worldly, and deadly. He had abused her and tried to kill her.

Asuka: Why don’t these women stand up for themselves?! Just hit them back!

So why did she still feel for him? No man was like him. No man could ever be like him. She prided herself as an independent,

Misato: Now it makes sense! He’s a Republican!

but she needed him still. There were other men in her life. But they were lusts, not loves. And she needed those lusts to convince herself that she wasn't alone. So why did she suddenly feel threatened and backed into a corner with this note she had gotten? She sped ahead, crashing red lights

Asuka (Cher): Whoops! My bad!

until she got to DuCaine Metro. She needed to talk with him. Now.

Misato: Hasn’t she ever heard of the phone?


Elaine waited as the elevator slowed down and came to a halt.

Asuka: Ah, yes, that elevator that doesn’t exist.

The doors opened, and she took a deep breath. Nosedive would be in the Green Room at this hour.

Shinji: Isn’t it well past midnight? Does no one sleep here?

Maybe they could spark a conversation for the first time. Maybe he would tell her that she was special

Misato: Oh, she’s special all right. So special she should be locked up and sedated. Anyone who doesn’t talk about kissing should be.

and that he liked her...Elaine was all fluttery. She was starting to shake. If he was alone, this would be it.

Asuka (Elaine): Yes…. yes… he will give me the straight jacket I always wanted… hee hee…

She would be bold and tell him that she liked him. She was too shy to use the L word...

Misato: Well, that cuts out ‘love’ and ‘like’. How about hate?

Elaine stepped out. The hall was empty. Good. She took a deep breath and went down to the Green Room. She heard his voice! He was talking with some other boy. So he wasn't alone. She approached slowly.

Asuka: Males are dangerous when they group… That’s why we only keep half of one around.
Shinji: Heeeeeeey……

"Yeah. I like her. She's really hot! But she's so out there, you know?"

Misato (other boy): Yeah… She could use them things for airbags!

"You and blondes, Dive."

Asuka: It’s dangerous when blonds group too. They might try thinking.

"Seriously. The next time I see her, I'll ask her out. Just watch me, bud!"

Misato (Nosedive): In fact, bring all your friends! Why don’t we charge admission?

"She'd pee her pants if you did. She's so geeky at times."

Rei: A 'geek' is a sideshow performer of late medieval to early modern times who bit the heads off or ate live animals. Is he aware of this?

"Hey! She may be weird, but I like that."

Elaine grabbed her chest. Could it be? Were they talking about her?

Asuka: Is she trying to make herself bigger so he does mean her?

"You don't think that Emerald would mind?"

Yes! It was her!

Misato (Elaine): This new bra really does the trick!

"Why would she?"

"She's the dating police around here. She thinks every man has to ask her permission before they go out with another girl besides her."

"Naaaaa. Jenny has nothing to do with her. Now if it was that little dork Elaine-Then we'd be in trouble."

"Can you imagine, Dive? Asking that wimp out?"

"She'd drop her tray and run away." They both began to laugh.

"She's a loser."

"Maybe...but she's just a kid. Maybe in, like, fifty years she'll grow up and act normal."

Shinji: What, knitting and playing bingo?

Elaine ran back down the hall to the elevators. She was having trouble breathing.

Asuka: A dork, and she hyperventilates. I’m with Nosedive and Co.

She couldn't see what number to push through her tears. She thought she hit her level and wing, but she didn't. The elevator took her to the next floor. She was hysterical. As soon as the doors opened, she ran out. Blinking, and crying silently, she ran and ran.

Misato: How obvious. If you can’t see, run. That’s bound to help.

She didn't see who she was running into...

"Woah! Where's the fire?"

Misato: His head?
Shinji: Asuka’s head?
Rei: Somewhere flammable?
Asuka: *squeals* KAJI LOOK-ALIKE!

Elaine bumped head on into Ender McMallard's chest.

"I-I-I'm sorry. Don't worry!" Elaine tried to take a turn around him, embarrassed of her tears. Maybe it was true. Maybe she was a dork.

Misato: Voting time. After seeing actions displayed in this story, all those who think Elaine is a dork, hands up.
*Misato, Asuka and Shinji raise their hands*
Asuka: You can’t protect your own kind forever…
*Rei raises her hand*

Ender wasn't convinced that she was okay.

Misato (Ender): She’s stammering… She’s crying… She’s running blindly… I think this is meant to mean something… answer… so close…

He gently grabbed her arm. "Yeah. Right. What's wrong-Elaine? Is that you?"

Misato: Ah, now, this makes sense. She’s Wrong-Elaine. The Right-Elaine must be the cool one.
Asuka: He even has a ponytail like Kaji!

"Y-y-yes. Please. Let me go."

"Why are you crying?"

Asuka: *dreamily* She hit her head on his rock-hard chest… That’s why…

"It's nothing." Her voice was a whisper. Ender sighed and looked up and past her head.

Misato (Ender): Look, it’s that talking wall.

"It's something. What just happened? I won't take no for an answer."

Asuka: I won’t say no! Ask me! Ask me! Oh, please, ask me!

Elaine kept her head down. She sniffed and rubbed her eyes.

"I can't say. I just..." She looked up, her head still down. "I don't know you very well."

Ender raised his eyebrows. "I don't think Lana is back yet to talk with. If that's what you mean."


"Look. You can talk to me. I won't bite. Much to popular belief."

Asuka: *deflates a bit* Oh, why not?

Elaine sighed and looked up at him for the first time.

Shinji: But it says just up there ‘she looked up’.
Rei: I guess that didn’t count.
Misato: Maybe she can’t count.

"Okay. But let's go somewhere else. Where no one else would hear me."

Asuka: You can run, but you can’t hide! We’ll haunt you forever!
Shinji: Well, until the story ends.
Asuka: I know that, they don’t have to!

"I can barely hear you and I'm standing right in front of you. Come on. Let's go to my quarters. I can tell you right now, no one is there."

Misato (Ender): But I can’t tell you earlier or later. I have to tell you now.

Elaine gasped. "I-I-I..."

He sighed and rolled his eyes upwards.

Misato (Ender): We must teach you to finish your sentences.

"I'm not that kind of guy."

Asuka (Ender): Yeah, we’ll need a professional for this job…

"But Lana said..."

"Nothing happened between us that night. All we did was drink a little, dance a little, talk a little. We have nothing in common.

Misato: Except that you both like drinking, dancing and talking.

We're just friends."

"Nothing happened?"


Misato (Ender): Not! Weren’t you just listening?? We danced, drank and talked!

"I guess it's true then. Lana is a big talker..." Elaine laughed, then started to cry a little again.

Asuka (Elaine): She can talk, and I can’t. Waaaah!

"About me, anyway. Come on. And don't cry...I hate to see a sweet girl cry."

Misato (Ender): All that salt ruins the flavour.

Elaine hung her head and half smiled.

Misato (Elaine): Hooray. I have hung myself. I welcome death.

"There we go. A smile!"

Asuka (Ender): Too bad you had to kill yourself to achieve it. Now, where’s that Asuka…
Shinji: Uhh… I don’t think so.

"Where's your room?"

Ender almost smiled himself. Almost.

Misato (Ender): *rubs her hands together and laughs evilly* She has fallen for my plan! I will get her in my room, and sympathise, and when she’s least expecting it….
Asuka (Ender): I run away and find Asuka, leaving Elaine to chat with my talking wall!

"This way. It's late. No one will hear us talking."

Misato: Now, this girl is REALLY naïve. Talking. In his room. At this hour.

Elaine and Ender had been talking for an hour. Elaine clutched a small glass of water in her small hands.

Misato: … all ready to throw it if he tried anything funny.

Ender sat across from her, cross legged, and resting his right cheek on his thumb and forefinger.

Asuka (Ender): Wow, I’m looking really handsome. Someone should draw me like this, which should increase my popularity by 34%, because it’ll take in the ‘brooding’ crowd. Ah, Ender, you’ll be a hunk yet…

"So That's it. I really thought he liked me. He teased me all the time, he smiled at me, and he even let me sit by him at meetings a few times."

Asuka: Here’s a tip, girl. Guys used to tease girls they like. Now they just try and touch their butts.

"Nosedive...he's just an over zealous kind of guy. He wants to win Mr. Congeniality every week."

Misato (Ender): He has to make do with that, because everyone knows that I win Mr Brotherhood every time. Thank Drake for fan girls. Now, to kill Cutter…

"I really thought he was sincere." She looked down at her hands, slowly shaking her head.

Asuka (Elaine): And then I find out his name is Nosedive Flashblade… I’m shattered, I thought Sincere was a cute name…

"I don't think so. Sure, there's people out there he truly likes...loves...but, if he doesn't know you that well, he's just trying to get you to like him."

Shinji: That sounds normal. What’s wrong with that?

"I never thought of it that way." She scoffed, and looked up at the ceiling. "You see, I AM sincere. I'm friendly only with the people closest to me.

Asuka: See! How do you expect to make friends if you ignore everyone you don’t know!

And I do want to be liked by everyone too, but that's only because there is no one I dislike. I don't hate anyone. I like everyone.

Misato: Then ACT like it! Don’t get upset when they’re having fun!

That's just how I am. I can't understand people who are fake like that."

Asuka: Ooo, yeah. People who try and be nice to everyone because they think it’s important have SUCH a problem.

"I don't say he's fake.

Asuka: That’s right, give it to her Kaji-guy!

I mean. I have nothing against the guy.

Asuka: Nooo! That’s not giving it to her!

I just want to warn you. He's too immature and goofy. He's a big kid. You're...more mature.

*Asuka starts to laugh, while Rei looks irritated*

You're woman."

Asuka: *laughing harder* Which is why she’s been stuttering and hyperventilating and mooning over a guy she hardly knows. Because she’s a mature woman.
Misato: Could I please ask the MiSTer to stop having Asuka so in character?
Shinji: Yeah. Other people might not be used to her bitchyness.
Asuka: *glaring* Are you saying I’m a bitch, Third Child?
Shinji: N-no! You’re just… acting kinda like one?
Asuka: Shinji baka! *slaps him across the face*
Misato: *to Rei* Newly weds are at it AGAIN.
*Rei nods*

Elaine dropped her face to his level.

Misato (Elaine): Whoops, could you please get that for me?

"You really think that?" He briefly closed his eyes and nodded.

Asuka (Ender): Now she can’t look into my eyes to check if I’m lying. Good plan.

"Yes." There was a silence between them.

Shinji: As opposed to a noisiness, or perhaps a pane of glass.

"Thank you."

"Sure." He leaned forward. "Elaine..."

Misato (Ender): I think I’m going to faint…


Asuka (Elaine): Yes, no, maybe, I don’t know, perhaps, HELP!

"What...kind of man are you looking for?" He sped up. "I mean, I can tell you if such a man exists here."

Misato: Couldn’t she just look for herself? I mean, she can’t be THAT dumb, anyone can tell the difference between male and female, surely. Should he be telling her about the birds and the bees?

"So, if he doesn't, I'd have to be like Lana and live alone, occasionally defiling myself with whoever...I mean...I love Lana.

Shinji: *blinking* Did I miss something?
Rei: I must admit that I can not fathom what meaning that sentence owns.
Misato: Okay, forget the birds and the bees. Let’s teach her how to answer questions.

But, why does she have to be that way? I 'd rather die an old maid and a virgin."

Ender sat up, alarmed.

Asuka: That surprised him??? Come on, that little fact was obvious from scene one.

"What? Um...Elaine..."

Asuka (Ender): Too much information for a first conversation!
Misato (Ender): She really DOES need that special help…

She blushed feverishly, and waved her hand, dismissing her own comment.

Shinji (Elaine): Shoo! Begone! Away with you!

"Never mind. Um...the perfect, man?

Rei: Is that comma supposed to be there?
Asuka: Don’t worry. He probably just got lost in Elaine’s last speech like the rest of us.

Just one thing. He would love me for me.

*Shinji starts singing ‘Hey Leonardo’*

He doesn't have to be handsome. He doesn't have to be smart. Well...not profoundly dumb. I need someone to talk to...

Misato (Elaine): Someone who can teach me to talk without going off on a tangent, those are nice pants…

I would do anything for someone like that. I would give him anything I had. But what am I saying?

Asuka (Elaine): Great. Not only does no one else understand me, I’m confusing myself too.

That kind of mate would never come my way."

Misato: That would depend if they had any say in the matter.
Asuka: Still have to work off that ‘dork’ status with us, doll. No normal person says ‘mate’ anymore.

Ender nodded. He looked down.

Shinji: Probably to see her.
Misato: Or to see if needed to change his underwear.
Asuka: You mean sniff.
Misato: Guys don’t care about smell, it’s all image to them.

"Yeah. I know what you mean...But...that can't be true. There is someone who would learn to love you."

Misato (Ender): It might take a lot of work, buuuuuuuuuut…

Elaine smiled. "I know. I just have to wait."

Asuka: Yup. Just sit there, girl. Mr. Right’s gonna ride in on his white horse aaaaaaaany second now.

"You never know. They might be there. Right in front of your face."

Misato: Which means that the author plans to get these two together. But we already knew from when she bumped into him.
Asuka: *sniffing* Ender-chan no go with Asuka Langley Soryu?

"Yes. I believe that."

Shinji: I think she’s only saying that because he said it. I don’t think she’d even thought of that before.
Rei: She is learning to let other opinions into her heart.
Asuka: Or this is her way of flirting. KAJI-ENDER, WHY?????

Then she added absently, "I know of a pair just like that. Two, actually."

Misato: Yup. Two in a pair. Not one in a pair. Two.


"Well, Cody...and, well, Lana."

He sighed. "Yes. Them."

Asuka: Is it just me, or did he say ‘Them’ in THAT tone of voice?
Misato: He did.
Asuka: Hmmmm.

He looked at her. "Well...who else?"

"Duke and Leila." He looked away.


Asuka: *seething* Don’t tell me there’s another girl to get out of the way!

"I'm sorry?"

Misato: Are you or aren’t you? He can’t decide for you.


Asuka: Oh, look, he’s caught the inability to answer questions from her. We’d better quarantine them both.

"Now it's my turn. What, really?"

"Don't worry about it...It's getting late. It's-"

"Three A.M."

"Yeah. So...I'd hate to throw you out. But."

Misato (Ender): Sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

"No. I'm tired. I should go to sleep." They stood up at the same time. Elaine looked up at the taller duck, and laughed a little.

Asuka (Elaine): You have a funny face! Tee hee hee…


"I feel like such a dwarf next to everyone." He laughed back. That took Elaine by surprise. He was so stoic...

Misato (Elaine): I see. He doesn’t laugh at funny jokes, only stupid ones.
Shinji: He’d probably love this MiST then.

"Don't worry about it. See you at breakfast?"

Asuka (Ender): I like my Elaines sunny-side up.

"Maybe not. I'll probably sleep right through that. Lunch?" They spoke at the same time.

Shinji: How rude! They spoke together for that long and neither of them stopped for the other! Thieves these days…
Asuka: These are thieves??? That little girl, sorry, ‘mature woman’, is a THIEF? Why have I been locking my doors all these years?

"See you then." Ender turned away, breaking their stare.

Misato: What stare? Who mentioned a stare?

"I'll-a-save you a seat."

Asuka: *Italian accent* And I’ll a-bake a-you a big-a pizza pie!

"Okay. Good"

"Yeah." Elaine walked past him, out the door.

"Um, Ender, just out of curiosity...what were you doing up at two in the morning?"

Misato (Elaine): Aside from getting in girls' ways?

"Couldn't sleep. I was going to see if Leila was up..." His voice trailed off in to the distance.

Asuka: *shocked* He was going to perv on her! Ohmigosh! HE’S NO KAJI OF MINE!

"Oh." She nodded fast. "Good night. Sleep well, Ender."

"Sleep well. Oh-and Elaine? You're fine they way you are. Any guy who's trying to change you is the one who needs the makeover."

Shinji: You guys better book me in at the beauty parlour.
Asuka: How I’ve longed for this day!

"Thanks." She smiled slowly. She turned, and went towards the elevators.

Misato: This time, realising that there were no elevators, she went on the stairs, wondering how she’d gotten around the rest of the evening.
Asuka: I bet she was drinking with Cody. That would explain a lot.


Lana reached DuCaine Metro on twenty five minutes.

Misato: So Elaine and Ender have been talking for an hour, but she’s only been driving for twenty five minutes.
Asuka: I think DuCaine Metro is in a different timezone. That would explain it. She drove for two hours, but then time jumped back like she’d only been driving for twenty five minutes.
Shinji: You made that all up.
Asuka: Shuddup.

She knew where Michele was. She had kept tabs on him for years.

Misato: Nothing like another person to act has your tab-holder. Mostly because once you’ve stuck a tab on someone, they just don’t come off. Sticky little buggers. The best thing for ‘em is metho…

She reached the lush condo complex he lived in, not far from midtown. She ran to his section, and knocked hard on his redwood door.

"Merde! Qui es moleste moi a c'est heur?"

Asuka: Oh, no fair! You guys make me speak English, and he gets to speak French? Ich möchte dann Deutsch sprechen!.

"Breathe deep, Lana." She said quietly under her breath. The door swung open, And a furious and disheveled Michele stood behind it. He blinked his eyes against the complex's street lights, and opened them slowly. The dark figure of Lana was framed by the harsh light. But he knew who it was. He smiled slowly.

"Ma petite vert bijou! It has long." He added shrewdly.

Misato: That’s a funny thing to add shrewdly.

"Michele, can I come in?"

"Heh." He motioned gracefully to come in. "I never turn down the company of a beautiful woman. Especially one of my past. What brings you here, Lana? Run out of men to ruin?"

Asuka: For anyone who didn’t catch on, this is obviously her ex-something or other.

"No. And It is so nice to see you too, Michele. Tell me? Have you tried to kill any lady friends lately?"

Misato: We know this from the friendly conversation.

"No. Only you, ma cherie. What do you want?"

"You know why I'm here." Lana said absently as she took in the cathedral ceilings and fine art.

Shinji: This is a condo with a cathedral ceiling? You don’t see THAT everyday.

"I'm sure I don't."

Asuka: If he knew, why would he ask?

he moved closer to her, Like a shark to a bloody hock.

Shinji: Another rarity.

She turned around to face him. "Enough of this old anger. Michele. Please. I don't want to fight anymore."

Misato (Lana): Peace, man.

"I do. You have ruined me."

Shinji: This is his ‘ruined’ house? I wanna see his ‘wealthy’ house!

"You tried to kill me! You beat me to a pulp!"

Asuka (Lana): You’re just lucky they invented wood glue.

"You are a difficult woman who wouldn't follow simple orders!"

Asuka: So you beat her up? Do you know Misato?
Misato: Asuka, do you want extra sync ratio training?

"Oh-you know-I don't need to take this from an arrogant..." She sighed. " Look, Michele, I said I didn't want to do this."

"You are the one who has barged in on my solitude. Do you not see me never coming to the Brotherhood Lair or the Diamond Roost?

Rei: Two negatives do not make a positive.
Asuka: It just ends up sounding that way. We’ll forgive him because he’s French, and they’re all idiots.

No. So do what you came here to do and leave. And rest assured, I will-how you say? Retaliate."

"Oh I know you would." Lana smiled. She sized the man up. He was still handsome at fifty two. "But this doesn't make sense. You made the first move."

"I am of opinion, ma petite vert bijou, that you always make the first move."

Misato: Well, she’s better than Elaine, that’s for sure.

"You know what I mean. Why did you send the flowers?"

"What fleurs?"

Asuka: No ‘fleurs’, she just said ‘flowers’, numbskull.

"The ones that you sent tonight. Michele...I...just want to say...Thank you. And I feel the same way too."

"Qu'est que? I do not understand."

Misato: If she REALLY wanted him, she’d learn French. That way she wouldn’t be explaining herself all day.

"Why, the beautiful note you sent me with the flowers! Silly! How could you forget?" She embraced him and pulled him close to her. "I knew it. Love like ours could never die." She kissed him passionately, holding him tightly and seductively.

He stayed stiff and motionless in her arms, and did not kiss back. "What's wrong? You were never this cold before."

Asuka (Michele): Did you not hear me say you ruined me? I can no longer afford indoor heating.

"Lana...let go of moi." He peeled her off of him, and pushed her away, like a leper. "Don't you have plenty of men eating out of your wretched hand already?"

"No...Michele...I don't get it."

"Let me spell it out for you so you can understand. I-did-not-send-you-any-flowers-and-a-note."

Rei: That is not ‘spelling out’. That is simply speaking slower.

"What? Who else could it be?"

"Perhaps your latest bed mate."

"There is no one else, Michele, I swear."

He laughed loudly and cruelly. "Oui! Of course. As I was the only man you wanted. I forgot. You have it in your idiotic mind that we belong together, even if I kill you, non?"


"I admit. I loved you for awhile. But only for awhile. Now, the, uh-how you say? Oh! Yes! Very thought of you turns my stomach."

Misato: Team, we’ve found the person we’re supposed to hate.


"It was over between us the very day you wanted a child. I told you. I am not that kind of man. I never was, and I never will be. I don't care what you feel for me. You are just another woman, as a glass of wine at dinner is just another glass of wine."

Misato: Wine is so hard to get out of whites… Beer is better, drink beer kids.
Shinji: Umm… okay.

He walked away from her, stretched, and yawned. He opened up a trunk and fished through it.

Asuka: Who wants to make an elephant or a fishing joke? No one? Good. We’ll move on.

Lana was stunned...and severely hurt...

Misato (Lana): It’s getting so dark… Life is fading… Hold me, Michele…

"I never knew that. I thought you were just...under Mr. Bigg's influence."

"Moi? I am ruled by no one."

"I suppose you're going to try to kill me now." Lana was glad it was so dark in his condo. That way he couldn't see the tears

Asuka: …in her clothes. That trip had been murder on her jacket, ripped to shreds.

welling up.

"Non...Not this time, little one. I will let you go, only because I have new carpeting." He turned to face her. He threw her a

Misato: …kipper! He used to love the little sea-lion noises she’d make, and the way she’d clap her hands together.

tiny box.

"What's this?"

"My wedding ring. Keep it. I do not ever want to look at it again."

Lana fell silent.

Shinji: She must be pretty talented. Whenever I fall I make a thumping noise.

She gripped it tightly, then gently.

Rei: Yes. It was not the objects fault.

"What you mean, is, you do not ever want to look at ME again."

He came forward. "You are finally getting it, Lana. I don't like you. How could I possibly love you?

Asuka: Hey, you were the one who brought the ring, bud.

Now get out before I change my mind and ruin my carpet."

"Fine. You'll never hear from me again." Her voice was barely audible.

"Bon! Now we can get back to our lives! I can go on, and you, you can live like nothing has ever happened, aussi."

"Yeah. Right. Sure. Like nothing has ever happened between us." Lana nodded quickly, and turned around.

Shinji: …and chanted ‘turn around, touch the ground, bags not in’! And Michele got really cranky, cause he’s always it.

"Au Revoir ma petite vert bijou. Let us never meet again!"

Misato (Michele): And if we do meet, it’s your turn to seek.
Asuka (Lana): Ooo, Michele, you do want me…

The door slammed as she ran to her car. "And good riddance to you, Lana Clair L'eau! Let moi hope I never remember that I shared a bed with you..." He laughed. "That is a disgusting thought."

*They all make a face*
Shinji: Yeah, we kinda noticed….


Cody punched hard into the punching bag. It swung hard into Lana as she tried to steady it for him.

Misato (Cody): Score!

"Woah! Cody! What's wrong with you? Besides the obvious?"

Rei: Please explain this ‘obvious’?
Asuka: Yeah, she’s the one with the problem here.

He didn't answer. Lana tried again.

"Cody! I said, what's wrong?" He hit the bag even harder.

"Earth to Cody Thunderfeather!"

Misato: Aren’t they on Puckworld?
Rei: They have heard of Earth.
Misato: We must have a pretty good place for them to make it into a cliché!

"Shut up Lana. I don't want to hear any guff from you today!"

Asuka (Bart): Geeze, don’t have a cow man!

"I didn't do anything!"

"You always have a smart comment to beat me with."

Asuka (Bart): Yeah, eat my shorts!

He hit the bag so hard Lana fell backwards to the ground.

"Woah! That's it! I don't have to take this! Practice is over!"

"You'll stay and practice with me because you are my apprentice! And you have to listen to me!"

Misato (Cody): Even though I am refusing to answer your question, you must still listen to me!

"I don't have to take this abuse!"

Shinji: I think ‘abuse’ is her favourite word.

"Oh, but I have to?"

"Cody! What is this all about? This is out of character."

"Out of character? Well, look who's judge and jury today! DuCaine, Lana! You didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face that you didn't feel that way about me?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean, even Dragonous would say to your face that you were fighting a losing battle!"

Asuka: Oh, sure he would! Of course, your face wouldn’t be attached to your body, but, hey, details.

"Cody! I don't know what you're talking about!"

"The card, Lana! Don't tell me that you didn't get it!"

She stood there, dead in her tracks. The sweaty pair just stared hard into each other.

"I didn't get any card."

"God damn it! You know what the hell I'm talking about!"

"Well...what business do you have sending me a card like that? You'd just be making a fool of yourself. When Ender and I get really serious, you'll be embarrassed you sent it."

Shinji: He isn’t embarrassed enough for her now?
Asuka: If I’m a bitch, she’s a bitch too.

"Oh, come-on! Land the plane, Lana!

Asuka: *intrested* Plane? Piloting? She’s a pilot!
Misato: Try ‘figure of speech’.
Asuka: Damn. Thought I was going to care for a moment.

Ender and you are never going to happen! Get it through your thick skull! He doesn't like you that way!"


Asuka: Seeeeee? I told you Elaine was contagious!

selfish, stupid, man! What do you know, huh? You don't exactly have a line of women to your door."

"I don't want a line of women! Don't you get it!?! I don't care about that!" he quieted down. "I care about you. Don't you see?" He went to her, cupping her face in his large hands. " We're that same. Right down the middle. The same..." He leaned over slowly and kissed her gently. Lana was kissing him back...And they held each other passionately, caressing each other's back and arms. Lana held on to him tightly and he pulled her close to him.

Misato: Cover your eyes! Adult scene!
Asuka: You think I haven’t done all this?
Misato: Well, cover Shinji and Rei’s eyes.
Shinji: *glancing at Asuka* Ummm…
*Rei covers her eyes, and Misato looks relieved*

She seemed to be his...then she pulled away.

Misato: Like a train. Shinji (Norbett): Chugga chugga, choo choo, train goes on the track…

"No! This can't be! I c-c-can't. Cody..." She stepped backwards, far away from him.

Asuka: Yup, that’s far away. A whole metre. That distance is insurmountable.

"If you do this. You'll be sorry. Lana, if you let go of me, you'll be letting go of everything that I love about you."

Misato (Cody): And then I won’t love you anymore… Then I can have a life again… Waitaminute…

"I'm sorry..." She whispered. Then she ran out. Cody stood there, alone. He seemed frozen in time. He couldn't do anything, he couldn't call after her, he couldn't move. He finally sunk to the floor.

"All I can do...all I can do is...wait."

*Asuka starts singing the appropriate lyrics*


Misato: First name, The.

Nosedive (c) Disney

Asuka: And they’re very very cross about how he’s become a nasty boy after big boobies.

Lana, Elaine, and Cody, (c) Lana Emerald

Misato: If Lana owns Cody, why doesn’t she just sell him to someone who needs him, like Elaine?

Ender McMallard (c) Crow

Asuka: Kaji-kun creator type? Wheeeeeeeeee!

Jedar Stormwing (c) Nylessa Drakely

Shinji: Or Stormwing Jedar © Drakely Nylessa, depending on where in Japan you are.

Asuka: Okay. Last one to the door’s Elaine!
*Everyone bolts for the door but Rei*
Shinji: I saw that one coming.
Misato: Now all we can do is wait for someone to MiST this MiST.

MiSTing done by Rachel Baker, with no real malice aimed towards anyone, be they authors or characters. Misato Katsuragi, Shinji Ikari, Asuka Langley Soryu and Rei Ayanami all Copyright Gainax-Project Eva, and are used without permission.